I’ve decided this will be my last post. I got on facebook and myspace a few years ago to see what it was like…then i quickly realized it was this psychotic bullshit. Anyway, in some fashion, this blog is the same exact thing…so, as my facebook and myspace accounts disappeared…you get the picture. Goodbye soul sucking internet world.
So I’m always on this blog complaining about how hard life is, detailing suicide attempts, talking about how bad society is and how the government wants only to keep us down until we die, but what is it that I ultimately want? What will make me happy?
I want to wake up every day and follow the wind.
I want to find something new every day that thrills me.
I want seeing, breathing, thinking, and feeling to be my full time job.
Where I am right now,i cannot figure out how to make my wish come true because I have so many other meaningless mind numbing tasks to accomplish before this day is over.
And I wonder, how did life become the way it is. It is so far from anything that is natural.and one day I will just be dead. Having lived my life chasing nothing. Wasting away in front of a television or a computer screen.
More complaints to come…
Just being alive is already hard enough in itself. But some wise guy decided that we needed to add all these things to do in life, and make them really important. Things like school and work and bills and taxes…Ugh, I’m so fed up with this life. It’s hard enough not knowing where the heck we even came from, let alone not knowing what the heck we are doing here, but we have to do all these stupid things! If we choose not to do these things, then we end up living on the streets like a bum.
People should be able to do whatever they want
First, play this song, then read the text below: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG2cAILMlDc&NR=1
I like doing yoga because for a whisper of time, I can escape this life, I can escape this body, and I am free!
I find myself waiting and anticipating death as though it were an exciting vacation. For me, death will be an absolution from this life as I know it.
I am only afraid of the possible pain of dying, the pain of being conscious while no longer being able to grasp oxygen any longer.
As far as the actual state of being dead, I embrace it. I do want to be dead to this life.
For a while now, I’ve been struggling to find out if I am just someone who lacks optimism, or maybe I’m a lazy being…But I’ve found a blunt honesty in myself through searching my soul.
I am not attached to anything in this life. Family members die, I shed no tears. Lovers leave, I mourn for a moment only. I move on quickly. For some reason, though, I do get caught up in silly things, possibly it is out of boredom.
It’s not as if I think I’m better than anyone else, or that I’m too cool for this reality…it’s simply what is natural to me.
I feel as if I’ve somehow lived this life, played this role too many times…so I wish for the possible peace that death may offer. I am not sad, I am not depressed, I am…finished with this life. Or at least I wish I was.
I want my soul to be free, even if it means that I no longer exist consciously. I am at peace with that.
It is hard for me to go through the motions of daily life routines thinking the way I do, because nothing has any meaning for me.
The days are like one big run on sentence. I hope everything wraps up soon, for me. I hope that people will not be sad for my death, because I will be happiest when I take that last breath, when I go on to the next nothing.
So, I was
Visiting a very good friend of mine who lives in west Hollywood. Which is the place where the stars hang out, shop, and live out their ultimately exciting and excessively excessive lives.
No this story is not about Elton John.
one night, i think it was the last night of my visit, another friend of mine and I went to this guys house. The guy, is a type of man who has access to everything that he wants. There are parties at his home pretty much every night of the week, and especially on the weekends. He has parties to celebrate the party he just had the night before sometimes…You get the picture.
Anyway, I’ve been to about let’s just say at least three or four of his grand charades prior to this visit, and they’ve always ended with me and my friend full of expensive liquor and marijuana.
Ok, so this particular night, the girl-my friend who brought me there-and I walk in through this long foyer from the front door and we can hear loud music and loud talking and laughing. This is gonna be great, is what we were thinking. So as we enter into the main living area there’s of course this giant crowd of people who are dancing(they thought they were dancing) and talking.
Then…..
Somehow my girl friend disappears from behind me getting lost in the crowd, and the sea of people opens up. Our eyes meet, me and this guy. It was awkward, but after initial contact I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t see him, so someone had to do something.
So I smiled. It helps me get out of awkward situations often 
Not this time. This guy, he’s out of shape and more than a few pounds over weight, clearly a homosexual once I heard him speak and actually I could tell he was homosexual by the way he was moving around, anyway…He was dressed so perfectly, and had such a big presence that you didn’t notice that this guy was a total weirdo.
So, he smiles back at me, immediately raises both hands almost all the way up in the air and starts walking towards me for a hug! I’ve never met this guy until now… As he is walking toward me with the biggest smile i’ve ever seen, the kind you give to a long lost friend you randomly see again, he then starts complimenting my outfit, telling me how marvelous I look. And it’s so weird at this point, my fake smile is starting to make my cheek muscles weak and I start to have this super weird shaky expression on my face. Hahaha!!! I thanked him for the compliments, and tried to strike up an even more uncomfortable conversation with this man. All the while this is going on, there’s a weird arc of people standing behind him pretending not to be looking at our interaction. Anyway, I think he soon got distracted by the next big event of the night, after my arrival, so I was safe now.
That was my last one on one conversation with the guy, needless to say, there is one more thing that forever is cemented in my memory of him. Apparently it was the guy who owns the house’s birthday party we were at, and it was time to light the candles and sing happy birthday. I was dreading the thought of pretending to sing happy birthday to this guy who I don’t care about his birthday. Luckily I was saved by the flamboyant greetings guy…we all were saved. The guy found one of his loud friends he was talking to, and encouraged her to sing a personal happy birthday to the birthday man. She really seemed like she didn’t want to do it, but then the guy gets really loud and asks everyone to start clapping to get her to sing…
yes, this really happened in real life. Not a movie.
So, we all clapped, including me, like possessed seals.
As the drama unfolded, the clapping gave her confidence and she starting singing happy birthday out of nowhere, really loudly, and actually she had a really great singing voice. Now, it seems as though this schenanigan was planned, but no. Trust me it wasn’t, and you’ll have to take my word for it.
Anyway, after she sang, we all clapped and cheered for her, and the birthday boy claimed he was going to cry, then proceeded to ask birthday singer to dance with him. He can’t dance. They danced in the middle of everyone.
Good times. For sure.
President Barack Obama isn’t the first U.S. president to stress the importance of higher education. It’s just that now a days, you cannot even be considered for a job at mcdonalds(one of the lowest forms of employment) without having some sort of higher educational experience. I can only speak truthfully about my own experiences, so here goes 
This one size fits all system has got to go. We shouldn’t be heading in the direction that we are headed. Namely, if you don’t go to college and get a degree, then you are not only a leper, but you have failed completely at life and you might as well go out into the woods and let a pack of wild animals devour your useless body. I haven’t figured it out yet, but there has to be a way to advance society without forcing everyone to jump through the same exact hoops to be successful. If you really think about it, it doesn’t even make sense because people are so different when you get on a personal level, so how can you tell everyone that they have to do this same thing(get a degree) to be somebody, to be anything, to survive? Unfortunately, nothing will change unless we stand up together and collectively say that we aren’t going to live in this way anymore. We have to show the system that when we go to hire someone, that we will not make their educational background the only reason we decide to employ them or not. We have to figure out a better way to survive…
I usually don’t write about my educational background, because I feel it adds unnecessary distinction and undue/unwanted esteem to the way I am viewed. I feel as if education is just something I have involvement in, but it does not define me in any way.. I am an electrical engineering student at a major four year university in the united states. This I have stated before, so it may be no surprise to my dedicated fans.
The first time I tried to kill myself…let’s see…strangely it’s hard to recall which time came first. Either way, suicidal feelings started around my second year at the university. As previously mentioned, I cannot remember my first suicidal attempt, but one of the first times was when I drank beer excessively, almost to passing out, then I tied a plastic grocery bag around my head and laid down on my bed…my hope was to never ever wake up again to face this life. I cannot exactly remember what brought me to that point, but I’m sure it was a mixture of living on my own for the first time, trying to hold down a job and a full engineering class load, and bad grades were the tipping point.
When you immerse yourself into something so much, where every other thing in your life revolves around that one thing, that thing then has the power to control and ultimately destroy you. School became everything to me because that’s where I was in life. A student’s life revolves around school, and when you make bad grades(failing grades) and not for lack of effort but because the bar is so ridiculously high, and just trying to deal with the sting of everything else that comes with living life…it can become too much. And it did become too much for me. My only option was to check out early because I am a perfectionist. I should like to think that most electrical engineers are perfectionists. If they were not at the beginning, they become one very quickly. Mistakes are unacceptable.
The electrical engineering course work is designed to teach the student how to think. To be more precise, they teach the student how to think like a computer. Computers that are written correctly do not make mistakes. If something arises that the computer cannot handle it recognizes the error, and crashes. I hope you see where I am going with this. This is not a joke, and this is not reaching to find something interesting to write about. This is real. This is my experience.
Last year there was a buzz going around about several students who committed suicide at Cornell University, an Ivy League University. Six students committed suicide at this institution within six months last year, two of which were engineering students who offed themselves within a day of each other.
It wasn’t easy for me to come to the place where I put a plastic bag over my head and was ready to let this life go. It wasn’t easy for me to take half a bottle of tylenol pm to try to get out of this world, nor was it easy to try and hang myself from the closet door of my apartment with a bed sheet. Fortunately, I guess, my suicide attempts all failed because apparently I do not know how to kill myself properly. But the fact is that I tried, and the reason I tried is because I signed up for engineering because I am smart, and I took on a full time job to support myself because I had no other choice, and all of these things added up and became too heavy when I started to make failing grades. The failing grades told me that I wasn’t good enough, that everyone who knew I was studying engineering would find out that I was a fraud, an idiot, someone who is not qualified to live anymore…So I kept all these things to myself and I had to escape the coming scrutiny that accompanies failure, and I put the bag over my head, I took the half bottle of tylenol pm, I fashioned a makeshift noose and tied it around my neck because the people at my university told me (through grades) that I was unqualified to live…
I hope one day people realize that at some point you’ve received enough education, and anything above that is excessive and can cause major mental damage or even loss of life.
My whole point is…learning is important, but the way that college/universities are set up with the useless things they teach, and the endless hours of studying crap actually lead you further away from anything that is important in real life. University level learning is above all useless, and at best it is actually dangerous and a complete waste of the most vibrant times in a young adults life.
This is why I maintain this blog…I say the things no one else is saying. The truth. There has to be a better way of progressing society without handing out death certificates before graduation.
I’ve lost the ability to, quite simply, enjoy life. I can’t quite put my finger on the cause of it, and there are so many never ending possibilities to why I feel or think this way, but I’m just too tired to try and figure it out right now. Last night, before I went to bed, I remember praying(to a god I don’t believe in) that I would just not wake up tomorrow. I am being completely honest, these were my thoughts, or prayers if you will. People may think “maybe she just had a bad day or a bad week, or maybe she is depressed…alot of her posts are depressing…”. Well, alot of my posts are depressing, maybe I am depressed. But I feel like it’s just so much more than a depressing feeling. As a matter of fact, I didn’t have a bad day at all or a bad week, and I honestly do not believe that I am depressed. I’m just tired. Not physically tired, but mentally…I cannot stop thinking. I guess that sounds weird, but I feel like my mind is attacking me constantly, and I cannot get away from it. I think my mind has always been something interesting and different, but lately, it’s gotten completely out of my control. My thoughts are heavy, and manipulative, and they are ATTACKING ME CONSTANTLY. I’m trying my best to explain it, but I don’t know how to. I just feel like this heavy thing follows me around, and they are my thoughts.
My thoughts are like this: always in every situation, in every moment, I am constantly thinking of possible outcomes to every situation, and finding solutions to each and every outcome…When I start to think(uncontrollably, it’s uncontrolled all the time) about all outcomes, a fear washes over me because of some type of awareness of how helpless I am in every situation or how powerful I am to already have solved for any problems that may or may not arise. Then I just have this excess of thoughts that keep going round and round until some new variable is added to my moment, and it’s just so tiring. I don’t know how to turn it off. I cannot stop thinking, and I badly want to. Am I crazy? Is there a label to place on me and a medication to take for it…I just don’t know anymore. Thinking has taken away everything from this already unbearable life. Anything that was nice or happy or fun or interesting or exciting or positive…it’s gone, because my thoughts have taken over everything. But, writing this blog gives me a momentary peacefulness. To get these thoughts out of my head, to turn outwards for a moment. It is wonderful. Even if not one person is reading this, it is helping me to stop the thoughts from attacking me, and now they are attacking the abyss called the internet
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night…consumed…afraid…small.
There is a constant ocean of thought running through the shores of my mind. That explanation does no justice to the feeling of my psyche when the thoughts begin to get the best of me. They begin to attack me, eat away at my way of doing things, eat away at my way of handling life, and if I don’t snap out of it soon it eats away at my own being.
Where do thoughts come from? Thoughts control us all…Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and thoughts come to make me feel like a bad person, like an inadequate being, like everything is mixed up in the world, and I cannot hide from them even though I want to.
Thoughts ultimately control us, but what controls our thoughts? They are so powerful, and I have been trying to defeat them for as long as I can remember. I think I will now, begin to only acknowledge their existence, but not get caught up in each and every one, because I am afraid that if I do not make changes, I will find myself hanging from the ceiling with no more breath and no more threatening thoughts.
How powerful thoughts are…and we cannot even see them.
I usually like adding pictures to my posts to enhance the experience of the reader, and because I like seeing pictures. The subject matter for this post, destiny, is up for discussion. I did not want to lead anyone in their response to this topic because I actually want to start a conversation about it. It was really cool when I found these pictures because they were exactly what I wanted to express; what I want to express being that I am unsure whether we(humans) are controlling what is happening in our present future (as in if I think of something right now are my thoughts controlling the physical world), or are we just bouncing along this life playing out a grand and well scripted play?
I told my husband that I would make sure he received credit for this topic Honey, thank you for sprouting these ideas that I already had into a full blown discussion for this blog. xoxo
The first picture that is posted here seems to indicate that life itself is our destiny. Which, if you break it down to its simplest form means that we are not in control of our destiny, and we are ultimately being led by the hand of fate. One could easily argue that this is true, but we quite frankly are not equipped to handle such a proof at this stage in human development. There are endless theories on this topic which heavily side with the belief in fate, but those theories are not the purpose of this particular post.
The second picture blatantly expresses the idea that our futures are completely controlled by us, or at least the majority of things are in our control such as making choices. And that portion of uncertainty leads to fence straddling. I think a lot of us decide that not really choosing either one, but rather believing we are dabbling in both is the easiest way to cover our butts.
I can say that before today, I hadn’t really thought about it so much. But as of the last three or four days, I have been unintentionally pondering whether or not I was in control of my life. And then, my husband just brings it up out of nowhere this afternoon, and a light turned on in me. Is it possible that everyone is feeling this same thing and just not saying it, or did I somehow cause my husband to think of this as well, or vice versa. Things just keep happening so often that it would be wrong to call them coincidences. For instance, I have had moments where I think of a song and intentionally think about it playing on the radio and it comes on. Or, when I’m driving and I prefer if the light does not turn red, and I am consciously thinking that I want the light to not turn red as a result of my thoughts, the light stays green when it should have turned red. Even more random events have occurred, like getting a feeling that my phone is about to ring even if I am not waiting for a call and within five seconds of the thought someone has phoned me.
I know I’m not the only one to come across such phenomena, but how do we test these hypotheses and come to a conclusion? Even looking at the past events from a current stance, it is impossible to be sure of what really caused these things to transpire in such a way. Sometimes, if I am trying to make something come about, it fails to work, so that leads me to believe in fate. I could go on and on about this topic, but what I really want to do is to open up a discussion with you about it. What are your thoughts and ideas on destiny? Do you even care about it? My husband brought up the idea that some people don’t even think these thoughts about things of this nature, and they may not even be putting any real effort into achieving anything in life, and yet somehow these people find themselves in sometimes better positions than people who are actively searching for answers to what is making us all tick or tock. He was questioning whether or not it matters if we believe we are in control of our future, and are actively trying to control it, or if we just follow along with where we seem to be headed will we end up in the same place no matter what? If I had to decide right now, I would say that based on the fact that we have no idea where all life originated from, that we are not in control of what is going to happen in our future. But sometimes I feel bad for thinking that way, that by feeling helpless in that way I am missing out on guiding my life in the way that suits me best… Who really knows I guess. Maybe someday we will find out.
When I was taking a shower the other day, I came across this thought that just would not disappear…So I’ve decided it’s worth writing about.
I remember as a little girl, bathing was a quick and easy process. I don’t recall being bathed as a baby, but I’ve seen baby’s taking baths, and all they use is something like a johnson and johnson all over baby cleanser. It washes their hair and their body, rinse with a little water, and they are done. When I was old enough to bathe myself, all it took was a bar of soap to wash my whole body, and shampoo and conditioner were added to the regimen. Sometimes I didn’t bathe everyday(most kids go through this phase), and I was just fine. I didn’t even brush my teeth for days at a time, telling my mom that I did instead
Eventually, however, I started to need deodorant because my armpits began emitting the death stench…Once I hit puberty I became a product junkie. When I take a shower now a days, it takes me no less than thirty minutes to get clean. I have to wash away layers of death from my face with special cleansers to keep me looking lively and clean. I have to brush away the filth of a decaying mouth more than once a day. Wearing perfumes and sweet smelling lotions to stay relevant…
I just think its funny, the smell of aging and death. We try our best to forget what is all around us, what signs are coming from our own bodies. We are all dying. So, the next time you brush your teeth, or moisturize your sagging flesh…remember that our time is short, and our bodies aren’t in denial about where it is rushing towards. Only our minds are.
